The phonecall

So a few days back I got the first phone call that I’ve had for a while from the ex.

I stupidly picked up, and I wish I hadn’t.

I ran into some people last night

He said. Then he proceeded to tell me that it was my ex best friends and that he’d spent a portion of the night with them. Knob.

That news winded me. Why did he feel the need to tell me that? It’s sucked any trust of respect I once had from him right out of me. I am not at all interested in ever being his friend again now. Sounds childish, but he’s performed the ultimate form of betrayal on me by hanging with them. I asked him that if he had an ounce of respect for me, that he’d keep my private life quiet from them. The last thing I need is that being known by them.

Got another phone call from him today. And I didn’t stop crying afterward. He wants me to take him back, which I could never, and he wants us to try again.

What he doesn’t realise or know is that 1. I cheated – I took the cowards way out. I never told him. I didn’t think he needed to know, which he didn’t. As soon as the act happened with the other party, I made sure out relationship was over.
The act I performed was never pre meditated and I was very drunk. But as the famous HAIM song goes, it

It felt great, it felt right, oh
But I fumbled him when I came down to the wire.

And I fucking certainly fumbled when it came down to the wire.
What I’ve done is unforgivable. However, what happened, would not have happened, if I was happy. And I really wasn’t. At all.
2. Who I cheated on him with.
3. That I wanted it to be over since the start of the year.
4. I’ve already had sex with people.
5. He’s put me off going steady for a while.
6. I don’t even want a family as a result of our breakup.
7. I’m actually pretty winded by the whole situation, and I wanted it to go back to how it was this time last year. But that’s lost now.

I’ve performed the ultimate act of betrayal in secret, and it tortures me every day. I have felt so low at times, that I’ve questioned self harming. I don’t cry for weeks and when I finally do I can’t stop.

I feel so low that I want to emigrate and leave this shit behind. Start a fresh. Close down any connections with this country.

And I feel bad for feeling mad at him for speaking to them, when what I’ve done is so much worse. But I could never tell him. I think it would finish him off.

This phone call opened alot of closets I had tried to jam shut. And it’s made me question whether I want to date anymore.

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